You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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