Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize