well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
