I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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