can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
