Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
