Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
