Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
