Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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