Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize