Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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