dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
