i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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