my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
