Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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