I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
