just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
