Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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