My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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