Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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