you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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