i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
