The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize