I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
