so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Everclear isn't food dammit
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
