true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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