Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
