Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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