On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
