At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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