I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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