Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
