Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
