The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
