Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
