he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize