you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
