Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
