My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
