Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize