i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm at about main and main street
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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