I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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