Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
