I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
