I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize