I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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