My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
