I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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