Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
