You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
