he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
