I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
