I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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