Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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