stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
