the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
