she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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