I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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